EXPECTATION - Chapter 2

 

CHAPTER 2

“Who did you fight with this time?”

“… Going to work?” Deen evades the question, Nani just nods as an answer.

..…

It’s quiet, at least between them, both don’t know what else to say, but more like both don’t really want to say anything. The two of them are separated by a few meters but their minds are in a world of their own. Right now, a bit of quiet and peace is what they need.

15 minutes of waiting between the buses has passed, finally the next one arrived. Turns out, both of them are boarding the same bus, but both of them don’t care about each other’s presence.

In a movie or drama, this would be the moment where the characters are forced to sit next to each other because no seats are left. They start to know each other, their relationship develops, all sort of things happen, and before you know it, 16 episodes have been aired.

But there’s no drama for them today, plenty of empty seats to choose from. Nani sits at the front row next to an old lady carrying bags of grocery, closest to the door. Deen on the other hand, finds a seat the furthest away, on the last row next to a sleeping salaryman who’s clearly too tired that he sleeps with his mouth wide open and saliva is running down his chin.

A drama might develop with another character right now. A kind, young pretty lady who’s sitting at the opposite side of the same row as Deen, sees his bleeding forehead and kindly offers a few pieces of tissue. He accepts her kindness, wiping away the blood. Just a minor graze, so not a lot of blood to clean.

A few stops later, they reach the hospital, time for Nani to get off. She’s almost missed her stop, was daydreaming and didn’t realize that she has reached her destination. Now is the time to work, and forget her worries. But, if only it would be that easy to shift a focus completely from a serious problem that is giving her massive anxiety and go back to being her usual self.. She’s not in a good condition to work, especially as a nurse.

Patients have been calling for her, but she walks past all of them, her mind is completely blocked off from the real world. She walks into the closed doors a couple of time, forgetting which one has the automatic technology and which one use the manual technology called pushing.

One of the signs that her ability to work properly enters a dangerous level is when she ‘zoned out’ in the middle of suturing a mild laceration on a patient’s leg, leaving the patient worried.

‘Hello? Nurse? Can you hear me? Why are you stopping?” He’s slowly getting annoyed. “Hey nurse, wake up! After a few finger snaps right in front of her eyes, she finally wakes up.

“Okay sir, I’m done. Please rest now and get better.” She announces and then walk away. But there’s one problem, she left the needle dangling from the patient’s leg, the thread is still in the skin of the patient.

“You’re done? Are you…hey, hey! Where are you going? Nurse…NURSE!” He screams, surprising not just Nani but, all the other patients and the medical staff in the room.

“Please don’t scream in the….arghhhh!” She realizes what she has done. “I’m so sorry! So sorry.. please forgive me, I didn’t mean to..I’m very sorry.” Apologies keep coming out of her mouth.

“It’s okay, I’ll forgive you if you just get another nurse to finish it and you fuck off, and stay far away from my bed. Okay?” Fair enough, Nani can’t argue as another nurse should finish handling the sharp equipment rather than her.

Sheila, one of the nurses who saw what happened, volunteer to finish Nani’s task. Nani keeps apologizing as she walks away from the scene. As she leaves the emergency room, a doctor stops her to give a scolding.

“I’ve been watching you. When are you gonna get it together? Is this place a joke to you?” He scolds her but keeps his voice low so as not to alert any patients.

“I’m so sorry, Dr Jeffri. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“I’ll be watching you. Don’t break that promise.” He gives her one final death stare before he leaves. 

It’s apparent to everyone that she’s not able to work as normal. Her caring colleagues try to cheer her up, taking her to the break room using coffee break as an excuse but really, they just want a chance to talk to her and find out what’s wrong.

“Did you get dumped?” One of her colleagues asks, she knows Nani doesn’t even have a boyfriend, but just want to ease the tension.

“Is it that time of the month?” Another asks.

“Is it Nina? Something happened?” Another chimes in.

“No, no…..yeah. The program doesn’t cover her medicine anymore.”

“So sorry to hear that. I’m here for you.” One of them hugs her to ease her worries.

“Yeah, us too. Can we help?”

“No…it’s a monthly commitment. I can’t ask you guys for help.”

“But can we do something? This is a life-or-death matter. We can’t just not do anything.”

“Yeah, this is serious. Should we start a donation box? Might help for a while.”

“That’s a good idea.” All of them nod in agreement.

“Thank you, but let me think about it first. Maybe my mom can help, it’s for her daughter after all.”

“Nani…I don’t know how to say this without hurting you but she’s….your mom is a…..” She can’t find the right words to use.

“What are you guys doing here? I’m alone out there.” Another nurse, Sherry, appears, having been looking for her missing colleagues from their stations. They have to postpone their conversation for another time.

Nani stays back, she needs to make a phone call to someone she herself hate. Her mother’s number is saved on her phone, but she hasn’t called her in a few years, which is why she’s hesitating to reach out to her. Every time she called her mother, no one ever answered so she has given up on the woman she doesn’t really want to call Mom anymore. But her colleague is right, this is a life-or-death matter so she has to press the call button. But sadly, as expected, no answer again and it goes straight to voicemail.

She goes back to work, tries to give her focus to her duties but every now and then, she goes blank and stares into the empty space, failed to get rid of the anxiety within.

The head nurse, noticing the underperforming employee, signals for Nani to approach the reception desk. A nurse next to her knows what’s coming, slowly getting up and walks away. Nani can also guess that she will receive a scolding, with heavy steps, she approach the inevitable. Even more unlucky for her, Sherry, her fellow nurse appears with a furious look.

“Did you do the chart today?” Sherry demands to know.

“What…what chart?”

“Are you serious? The medication chart. You did it right?”

“Yeah…yes, I did that.”

“Do you realize what you did? I almost made a mistake because of you.” Sherry lashes out, but she still keeps her voice low, to not disturb the others.

“Sherry, Nani. Come here.” The head nurse can sense the disturbance, tries to defuse the situation, bringing them both to a nearby utility closet.

“You hate me right? I know you’ve been trying to make me get fired. I swear….” Sherry can’t wait any longer to let out her frustration, making her feelings known as soon as the door shuts.

“Sherry, calm down, tell me what happened?” The head nurse steps in.

“The medication log for bed 10 and 11 got mixed up. I almost gave bed 10 anti-hypertensive pill. That patient doesn’t need blood pressure medication! Luckily, I noticed the prescription was different than from his usual one. You did it on purpose right? You know I was supposed to give them the evening dose. Is this because of the money? You want me to give it back now? Is that the reason? Is that why…”

“Sherry! I said calm down. Don’t make me say it again.” The head nurse is stern, whether Sherry likes it or not, she has to listen to her. “Nani, what do you have to say?”

“I’m sorry. It was my mistake. It won’t happen again.” She pleads her for forgiveness.

“This isn’t a typo! It could be a lot more serious if it happened to critical patients. You don’t care if they die as long as you get your salary?!”

“Get out! Let me deal with this. Get out, now!” The head nurse can no longer tolerate Sherry’s fury even though none of this is her fault.

“I’m so sorry. I’m very sorry. I’ve been so stressed lately…the job.. Nina’s medication…I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry…sorry.” Nani breaks down, finally lets her tears comes out now that she’s alone with someone she trusts and respects.

“Nani, Nani! Look at me. Breathe slowly.” She embraces Nani, trying to calm her down. Nani keeps apologizing, truly feeling guilty of her negligence.

The head nurse keeps instructing her to breathe, over and over again but to no avail. Nani is too scared of the consequences of her actions, never stops the word ‘sorry’ from leaving her mouth. Her breathing becomes shorter and shorter, forgetting to breathe before she continues speaking. The head nurse had no choice but to slap her, which finally stops the endless stream of apologies.

…..

The bus stops on the side of the road. Deen gets off, happy for a second that he arrives home but turns sour right away when he sees that annoying queue. He sighs, reminded that he lives in a shithole of a low-cost apartment complex with terrible property management. For safety reasons, due to widespread subletting and renting activities to foreign workers, many of them are illegal, the management decided that every resident who wants to enter has to tap their access card at the gate. Sounds reasonable, safety is a very important issue after all so nothing’s wrong with the decision.

Wrong. This apartment complex is very big with many blocks and units, the number of residents is through the roof. Most of them are in the low-income category that relies on public transport without owning any vehicle as a means of transportation. Naturally, most of them will be entering through the gate by foot but no issue at all if the management decided to create multiple gates for entry. But that’s not the case, as so many people queue on the side of the road, after a long day at work, they have to wait in line just to enter their own home because there’s only one gate available for them to use.

At this time of the day, this is a normal sight, no longer surprised Deen as he takes his place at the back of the line. He's tired, his stomach still in discomfort, he puts his heavy backpack full of presentation materials on the ground and drags it as he slowly moves in line. Five minutes later, he’s almost there, when he suddenly receives a phone call.

“Deen, I need one more person, a job tonight. You’re in?”

“When do I show up?”

“In an hour, one of my helpers canceled last minute.”

“I’ll be there. Send me the location.” He hangs up, relieved at the prospect of extra money coming his way. But when he checks the address, maybe no extra income for him after all, so he calls his employer back to negotiate.

“Bro, that’s about 40 minutes away. By bus maybe longer. Sorry, can’t make it.”

“Please Deen, a lot of works tonight, I need your help. Please, I’ll owe you one.”

“…Pay me double.”

“What? No, I can’t do that.”

“It’s a last minute job Zayn. Double.”

“50% bonus, and you can come 30 minutes late. And... I'll forget about all the times you've been late, no more nagging about it. Deal?”

“Alright, I’ll be there.”

“Just 30 minutes, the client’s house is way too big, might need all night for all of us. I'll dock your pay if you're late." 

Currently it's 4 minutes past 7 in the evening. About 40-minute drive to the location, easily an hour by bus and maybe even longer in these peak hours. He checks the e-hailing app for a ride, annoyed at the way too expensive fare which he refuses to pay. He opens the maps app, checking for the fastest possible way to get to work is 1 hour and 7 minutes, two metro transfers and a 20-minute bus ride, possible but means he doesn't have a lot of time to spare. If he misses the train or if the bus doesn't arrive on time, which is very likely, he would be late.

"Are you gonna move or what?" An angry guy in the line shouts to him. He was distracted, halting the rest of the line from moving.

No point in going home now, he can't even change his attire for the job, a few minutes wasted standing in line already. A bus arrives, he quickly make the decision to head to work, running after it before it drives away.

A two-minute ride later, he arrives at the metro station.

As soon as he gets inside the station, still no leisure walks for him, he has to run up the slow-moving escalator when he hears the sounds of the incoming train. He made it in by a split of a hair.

The train is full, no empty seats for him. He gives up after walking down a few carriages, decided to stand next to the door in the end. On the dark window, he catches a glimpse of himself, messy and disheveled. His white shirt is drenched in sweat, hot from all the running and the thick layer of his blazer. He takes it off, rolls it neatly and stuffs it in his backpack.

What a pathetic man, he thinks about the reflection of the man he sees in the window, angry at him for the struggles just because the fare for a comfy ride costs a few bucks more than he would be comfortable to pay. At least the train is somewhat comfortable with its cool air conditioning and a free seat just opens up near him which he immediately rushes to grab before anyone else can. He can relax now, nothing to worry about. That would be nice, if only there were nothing to worry about. In life, not everything goes to plan, even the little things.

He misses the train during the transfer, setting him back a few minutes. The bus is late, never punctual anywhere in the country, sets him back a few more minutes. To make matters worse, the bus drops him on the side of the road, in the dark with only streetlights as the light source and nothing in sight but hills and tree.

Upon checking the maps again, he realizes that the client's house is deep into the forest, he regrets all of his life choices since the moment he escaped his mother’s womb, leading him to end up in this remote place he's never been. Up the hills he goes, accompanied by the sounds of crickets. Although it's not completely dark, being surrounded by nothing but trees on a remote hill, sends a chill down his spine. He doesn't realize it, but his feet are moving quicker and quicker by the minute, wary of any ghost that would suddenly show itself to him.

Lucky him, it’s not as far as he thought, a few minutes later, he arrives at the residential area, full of villas and bungalows for the rich. The security guards were skeptical at first to let him in, as he is dressed like a struggling salaryman not like the moving company employee like he claimed to be, but after confirming with the homeowner via the landline, he’s allowed to enter.

Looking at the series of the expensive homes, he feels disgusted. It’s not jealousy, it’s not anger towards rich people who are living a life he doesn’t have, he just can’t shake the feeling of disgust towards the discrepancy between two categories of life, the stark contrast that exists in the human population, one can eat a family meal per person, while the other one orders from the à la carte menu for a whole family. Of course, not all rich people are criminals who got rich through drugs or fraud, although some people don’t agree with capitalism, most of the rich people earn their money fair and square, and even if they’re not, it’s not his position to judge but for the law enforcement.

Still, the feeling of disgust creeps in his heart after seeing and experiencing the two sides of life. It’s like hearing two orchestras playing at once, one is soft, and delicate, the other is energetic, loud, and indulgent. Both are music, both are beautiful in their own way, but together they leave a sour note.

He arrives at his destination, he knows it’s the right place from the big truck parked in front of the open gate. The workers are busy but they work with minimal noise to not disturb the neighbors. It’s not uncommon for the moving companies to work at night, could be tight schedule, or because of the customer request.

“Deen, you’re late man. We’re drowning here.” Daniel, one of his coworkers greet him while loading a big and tall wardrobe into the truck with a few other employees.

“I’m not late, Zayn allowed it.”  He doesn’t wait long and joins them, lending his energy.

They focus on the heavy wardrobe for now, directed by Daniel as they coordinate in handling it. They’re more scared of damaging it and ruining their pay than the heavy furniture falling backward and hurting them. Once it’s safely in, they can breathe easier and greet Deen properly with a handshake.

“Why are you wearing this shirt? You sure those fancy pants won’t get ripped?” Daniel teases him, followed by small chuckle by the others.

“Shut up Dan. I’ll handle the inside then if you don’t want to see my sexy underwear.”

“Alright man, put your bag in the truck. Zayn is in the kitchen with the owner.”

The inside is a lot of work, boxes everywhere, the workers are busy wrapping furniture in plastic for protection. He greets a few of them and heads to the kitchen and announces his arrival to Zayn before joining the work. Zayn quickly checks his watch when he sees Deen, looking forward to docking his pay for being late but disappointed that he made it on time.

“You couldn’t have change?”

“No, someone decided to call me last minute for the job.”

“Alright, help me unplug all these big appliances and wrap them.”

He works in silence for a while, focused and determined to finish quickly. But Zayn keeps distracting him, chatting on the jobs, venting his marriage problem to Deen who has no interest in his friend’s personal life. He nods, answers him with one word each time, most of the time he stays silent and let Zayn ramble about his wife’s excessive shopping habit.

“Are you even listening to me dude?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m listening.”

“My own friend doesn’t want to listen to me.” He sighs. “I need to find a new friend.”

“Go ahead please.”

“Bruh, how can you…”

“Hello.” A woman interrupts their conversation. “Sorry, I don’t mean to disturb you guys working, I just wanted to let you know I’m leaving and you can talk to my maids if you need anything.”

“Yes ma’am. I’ll let you know once we’re done with everything. Deen, this is Diana, the owner, say hi.”

Deen was about to greet her but stays quiet when he sees a face he has seen for years.

‘Hi Deen. Didn’t know you work in a moving company.”

“Didn’t know this is your house. Okay, hi. You can go now.” Deen acts cold, continuing with his work, which confuses Zayn who’s wondering about their relationship.

“You two know each other?”

“Yes we do. We know each other very well. We used to sleep on the same bed for a long time.” She’s joking, even though it’s not a lie. She’s amused when she sees Zayn’s expression, unsure how to react.

“Can I borrow him for a sec?”

“Just go.” Deen rejects right away.

“Don’t be like this. Come on, just for a while.”

“Yeah Deen. You can go. Don’t treat our client like that.”

He has to follow the order, following her out the house, to the parked SUV on the side of the road. His colleagues start to get confused when they see him walking with the house owner, gives him encouraging signs and bombarding him with thumbs-up, rooting for him.

“Alright, what do you want?” Deen opens the conversation.

“We haven’t talked for years! I miss you all the time you know.”

“Okay, we’ve talked now. Tell your husband I said hi. Bye-bye.” Deen continues his cold act, walking away but stopped when Diana grabs him by the shirt.

“Wow. You haven’t changed huh? At least tell me how have you been? I’m worried about you, Mom and Dad are also worried sick, you know.”

“What do you want to hear Diana? You know I’m not living well, I’m broke, I don’t have a big house like you, I’m not successful like you, I’ll never be the trophy child to mom and dad like you are. Happy? What else do you want to hear?”

“I just want to know how’s my little brother is doing? Why are you so mad? You’re the one who decided to cut ties with mom and dad, with me! We’re the one who should be mad at you.”

“I’m sorry then. Now please just let me go back inside and finish my work, I’m very tired today to talk about this.”

“Yeah right, it’s not like you would ever want to talk to us ever. Alright, hold on.” Diana opens her car door and reaches for her wallet. She hesitates before pulling it out, like she knows it’ll piss him off but doesn’t know any other way at the moment to shows her support towards her brother. She takes out a checkbook, which annoys Deen for what’s coming. “I won’t stop you in your... quest or whatever you said you want to achieve but let me help, if you won’t accept Mom and Dad’s.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Don’t be stubborn. I know it’s against what you want but just accept my help. Tell me, how much does your shop need?” She points to the blank check, asking for a number to fill.

“The shop’s gone. I closed it.”

“Oh, err…okay. What do you do these days…no actually, just take it. Whatever you’re doing, I want to help achieve that goal of yours. Just get it done so you can finally come back to us and talk to Mom and Dad again.”

“Alright, you’re making fun of me now. See you.” He walks away, feeling hurt.

“No, I don’t mean it like that, Deen!” Diana pleads.

“Tell Zayn I’m leaving. I’m tired, I want to go home and sleep.” He sends the message through his coworkers, takes his backpack from the truck and leaves them to finish the work without him.

He walks out the front gate,  and walks back down to the bus stop. A few minutes later, Diana drives past in her car, not stopping to fetch him, not out of spite but she knows how massive her brother’s ego is and would never accept a ride from her.

But after 30 minutes of waiting in the dark, standing on the side of the road under the small bus stop sign, he wishes he stopped his sister before and asked for a ride to the city area at least, his ego would allow that far, no way he could ask for a ride home.

There’s no internet connection, he can’t even check for the bus schedule, let alone order a ride through the app. Should he walk back up and finish the job, then ride home with the others? Definitely not, it would be too embarrassing after how he acted in front of them. Zayn is most probably furious right now, luckily there’s no cellular connection for Zayn to call and berate him for his actions.

After 30 more minutes, it’s clear that the bus has stopped running for the day on this route. Unless the interval between buses is more than an hour here, there’s no reason for him to keep waiting. So he walks, and walks, and walks down the hill, heading to the nearest town, hoping to regain an internet connection. Thankfully, just ten minutes in on his walk down, his phone beeps over and over again with notifications, indicating he has signal again.

One by one, the raging messages from Zayn popped up on the screen. He’s afraid to open the messaging app because he doesn’t know what to reply and scared to apologize, he decides to ignore them for now. The current mission is finding a ride home. On second thoughts, probably not when he sees the price of the fare that is still expensive for him, even though it has dropped quite a bit compared to peak hours. There’s a metro station down the hill, but 2 km away from where he is. Another 30-minute walk for him.

Halfway there, he can finally see city lights, he finally sees more concrete than trees. The night is getting quieter, the city is trying to sleep. He made it to the metro, having an entire carriage of seats to himself. If there’s no one else in the train or at least they have doors in between carriages like in some countries, he would really love to lie down and take a nap for a while. But he decided against that, prompted to lean back against the hard walls and closes his eyes for a while only.

But his idea of ‘a while’ is about five minutes. Instead, he falls asleep all the way to the end of the metro line, ended up at the very end of the metro line at the last station where people transfer to a different line going in the opposite direction of his house, not the line he was supposed to take. He would have stayed asleep if not for the station employee who shook him awake.

It’s okay, not the end of the world, he can still take a train back but..

“Fuck.” He realized that he had screwed up after he sees the monitor that shows the arrival time for the incoming train. There’s no more coming, since he had just taken the very last train of the day.

Now what to do? He has no idea. Going to a hotel? Nah, too expensive. Book a ride? Still, too expensive for him. Call Mal to pick him up? He wishes, if only Mal had a car. Call anyone for help? Who? It’s not like he hasn’t already pushed everyone away from his life. Sleep in the station toilet for the night like in a scene he saw in a movie about a struggling single father and his young son? Maybe, but only as the last resort.

He’ll come back if he has to resort to that, but for now he will wander out and takes a walk to think of a solution. A quick stop at the 24-hour convenience store for a canned coffee for a caffeine boost, and then he wanders around without any direction. Seeing a homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk, he’s feeling déjà vu. How many night walks does he have to take, feeling absolutely dejected each day? It’s a routine for him, he sighs, disappointed.

Then he realized, he’s been here before, just a few hours ago actually. He didn’t notice it at first as the place looks different in the moonlight and the sunlight. He’s standing in front of the building that crushed his hope before.

“Kinda ugly. Luckily, I don’t have to come here again.” He says to himself, insulting the architecture of the building as a way to justify his failure a few hours ago.

He walks along the same path he took, keeps looking around, for any sudden bottle flying his way which luckily never came. His feet grew tired of walking, burned a lot of calories today compared to any other day. He took a seat at the bus stop and when he looks to his right, it seems like someone has rewind the tape of his life. Once again, he meets her again, who also doesn’t seem to be having the best night herself.

“This is getting creepy. Do you live here?” Nina breaks the silence.

“No, don’t mind me. Long story.” He notices her swollen eyes, starts a conversation between them. “Bad day?”

“Yeah, you?”

He nods, both of them let out a sigh in unison.

 

END OF CHAPTER 2